I've been on a vacation from my blog but I have come across something that I just cannot ignore. This is for all the ladies out there who are oblivious or know someone who is oblivious to women's public restroom rules. There are rules, you say? Yes, there are. And I am here to explain them to you:

It begins from the time you open the door to the public restroom. Come with me....we'll navigate this together.

It starts with stall selection (please note that this only applies to restrooms with 3 or more stalls). Don't laugh...this is a very important part of the public restroom experience! So let me explain the selection process:

-If you walk into the restroom and there is no one else in there, you proceed to the furthest stall from the door. This is to ensure that any noise slippage or hygiene necessities remain as private as possible. The furthest stall from the door is the most desirable stall in the restroom because it typically is against a wall, which affords you more privacy than the other stalls.

-If you walk into the restroom and the furthest stall is occupied, your choice is the stall furthest from that one. For restrooms with one row of stalls, this is the other corner stall in that row. For restrooms with two rows of stalls, it is the other corner stall on the opposite row. This is the furthest point from the occupied stall and is designed to give you the most privacy. Please note that sometimes this stall is the handicapped stall. Only - ONLY- use this stall if you are sure that no handicapped people will come in and have to wait for you to finish up. There is nothing more embarrasing than walking out to see a grumpy disabled person waiting for your healthy ass to get off of their toilet. This is especially true if there are 7 other stalls open.

-If you walk into a public restroom and two or more stalls are occupied,pick the central most stall. In other words, get between the corner people. In some ways this is a very good spot to be in because noise detection is more difficult in a busy bathroom. When you are in the middle, sounds coming from the stall are more evenly distributed and it is harder to pinpoint the origin of the noise.

Now, let's address communication in a public restroom. Should you walk into a bathroom and notice a familiar pair of shoes behind a stall door, resist the temptation to talk to them. You do not know why they are in there and it's quite possible they do not WANT you to know why they are in there, so resist the urge to chat. The only bathroom chatting that is acceptable is if you are walking into the bathroom with someone or you walk into the bathroom and someone is already at the sink. The stall door isclosed for a reason.

This is a good segue into my next point. Now this is somewhat of a delicate topic, so if you're squeamish just scroll down to the paragraph that starts with the *** and keep reading.

Ok, for those still with me, it is unfortunate but there are times when women must take care of business they would prefer to take care of at home. But when nature calls, you answer. For the sake of this explanation, there are two types of people:

-the pooper
-the poopee

If you, the pooper, walk into a bathroom and there is no one else in there(remember you are supposed to go the furthest stall from the door) try to accomplish your business as quickly as possible to alleviate any embarassment you might associate with this type of bathroom activity.

If you, still the pooper, walk into a bathroom that is occupied, locate the appropriate stall and take note. Of what, you say? Take note of where people are and how quickly they might finish. If it sounds like they might be gone in a few seconds, try to hold it until the room is empty. If not, you can try to time any noisy business with their flushes.

If you are the pooper, the toilet flush is your greatest ally in an occupied restroom. Let's say you are in a big hurry and you sit down and don't have time to take note of the other stall occupants. Perhaps you are not able to control the noise factor. Flush. That's what you should do;you should flush. Sit down and flush almost immediately. It will help cover the noise and cut down on any particularly smelly bathroom business.

Now, let's switch gears and assume you are the poopee. If you walk into a bathroom and you are not alone, pick the appropriate stall and finish up as quickly as you can. If you have not heard any untoward noises, you may exit as soon as your stall-related duties are completed. However, if you hear someone finishing up some rather noisy or stinky business and they flush (that's the key!), stay in your stall until they have washed their hands and exited the restroom. Grant them the blessing of remaining anonymous! Even if you can see through the little cracks in the stalls, they do not know that you can see them and,therefore, retain their public restroom pride.

Likewise, if it occurs to you that someone is taking a particularly long time, finish up and get out. They likely are waiting for you to leave before they will emerge. Let's all remember that sitting on the toilet for too long can cause or exacerbate hemorrhoids. There's no need in complicating this issue with hemorrhoids, so don't leave your fellow woman stranded.

Sometimes, on rare occasions, you are the pooper and the poopee. If this should happen, use your best judgement in deciding when to exit the stall. Sometimes the other occupant will send you subtle signals like taking enough toilet paper to wipe a herd of elephants. This usually indicates that the other person is finished but is stalling (uh, no pun intended) but is finished. This is a case by case situation, though, so just try to use your best judgement in this type of situation.

***For those of you joining us again, I'm going to wrap things up with a couple of minor things.

First of all, washing your hands is not a marathon event. No one likes a lengthy washer, so slosh it around, rinse off and get the heck out. And it's not bathtime; there's no need to wash all the way up to your elbows. Besides, if you're using your elbows while you're going to the bathroom, maybe we should have a tutorial on how to use a toilet as well.

Second of all, if you're going to use one of the toilet seat covers, make sure it flushes. I think that's pretty self-explanatory.

Third of all, grooming can be done outside of the bathroom, especially in potentially embarrassing bathroom moments. If you KNOW someone is in there and they are waiting on you to come out, don't stand there and admire yourself in the mirror. For the love of Pete, look at yourself in your compact mirror. Besides, you look thinner in the compact mirror.

So that's about all I can think of right now. Please forward this to women who don't know. Together we can spread the word.